


Relapsing

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Relationships, Multi, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus cut again. He's relapsing and he knows it.[This came straight from my notes and is entirely a vent, so.. yeah I just wanted to get something out.]
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 91





	Relapsing

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: description of self harm (though I don't know to what level)

_What_ _did he just fucking do? What the fuck, why did he-_

Janus cut again. He just cut himself, again. He thought he was over it, he thought it was done, he thought he was okay now. Turns out he isn't. 

It's only one cut, why is he overreacting? Except it's not. It's not one cut, it never is and it never fucking will be. He's so overdramatic. It's just one cut, he's done so much worse, it's not even deep. Like, at all. And it can't be longer than an inch and a half. There's not even much blood. It's only a little bit red and kinda pinkish around the area. 

Yet he had a fucking panic attack over it. Just days before, he was wishing to any higher power that he'd find a sharp blade (or sharp anything), and he finally found it and now look at him. Pathetic, wasn't it? 'Course it was.. he's pathetic. Oh God, he's at it again. 

He's been looking at it, feeling over the skin, squeezing it together and then apart trying to make more blood come out, pressing down on it, basically anything and everything he could to get any type of further release. 

It didn't work -- but his hands were shaking too much to hold the little shining object anymore, therefore rendering him unable to cut again. 

In the moment, it felt like the most painful thing and very numb (almost like background noise) at the same time. The cut itself was stinging with a strange but not unfamiliar numbness. Around the wound was what 'hurt'. In all actuality, it didn't exactly hurt, or maybe he's just downplaying it because he's done worse to himself. 

When he came to his senses in the late hours of the morning, he realized it was probably the latter, not that it matters. He got up and went to put his Slicey Bois™ away (because he'd got caught up in his head and forgot they were laying next to him, out in the open). He knew it was just his mind fucking with him, but he slightly winced as he put pressure on his leg, because for some reason it hurt his ankle where the cut was. 

After he'd gotten situated he put in his earbuds and, as luck would have it, his Spotify playlist happened to start with the exact song he wanted. "Twin Size Mattress", one of his current favorites. 

He could relate to it. Well, for the most part. Kinda. Not really. He actually didn't know what the song meant, he just gathered that it was about being part of the LGBTQ community and having unsupportive parents. He didn't care to learn the real reason behind it. Just knowing it could calm him down was enough for him.

After a few songs, he knew he should get out of his room and face the other sides, no matter how much he didn't want to. On one hand, they were kind, nice, and just really great people (?) all around, but did he really want to bother them with his problems? No, which brings him to the other hand. He didn't want to burden them.

His problems were just that -- _his_. No one else's. They were his problems and he intended to keep them his. 

So they were, and as another song switched on, Janus decided to go to sleep. It wasn't often he felt as if he could sleep, so he took this opportunity. 

He barely heard the beginning of another song he related to as he let himself drift into unconsciousness, but this one was very-slightly happier and upbeat. 

"In The Middle" by Dodie. He knew the meaning of the song, but he chose to ignore it and think about it as song about a polyamorous relationship. 

Oh! _Right_.. he loved the others (the others being Patton, Roman, Logan and Virgil). So there's that; but also -- they're dating each other. Anyway, he's rambling, he should be sleeping. 

Janus knew he'd just get up later, talk with the others or see them cuddling or kissing or being cute with each other, ~~no room for him~~ , and he'd just have to act like it's all okay. Honestly he's so sick with it. With everything. 

But he can't do anything about it. Right now, he's going to sleep. 


End file.
